I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
