I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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