I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
We need to rekindle our bromance
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
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Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
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The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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