DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
