don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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