I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
