shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
