and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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