A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
