I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm getting married
To pizza
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
