I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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