I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
