My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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