My Higher Power is John Stamos
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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