Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
