when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
