so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
