I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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