One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
