Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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