You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
