i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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