Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
