Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
