toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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