You just made me feel so damn special
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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