i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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