When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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