i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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