I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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