those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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