She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
