Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he shaved USA in his pubs
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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