I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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