My sheets look like a crime scene.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
