Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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