If i come over, it means nothing
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
