I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
