I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
