Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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