Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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