My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
