Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
