and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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