Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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