I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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