Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
