what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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