There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
