you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
