my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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