i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
