Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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