She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
