I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
