How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
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I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
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I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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