No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
