I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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